Giving birth is a life-changing experience. It certainly was for me. This blog is a product of having my amazing daughter…and since I love birth stories, I thought I’d start by sharing mine.
Before you dive in, I must say that I can’t help but go into detail about this profound experience. So for those of you with a high squeamish factor, you’ve been warned. 😉
Every birth story is epic and mine does not disappoint. Part of my birth story is the process of picking how and where I was going to give birth. So for that reason I feel I need to start at the very beginning. It’s a long one, so sit back and relax…although birth stories are generally not very relaxing!…
I found out I was pregnant on Mother’s Day, 2013. I didn’t have any pregnancy symptoms yet, but my husband (Anthony) and I just knew. We had only decided to try to get pregnant a few weeks prior, so we were surprised at how quick it happened…but we knew and we were right! I took a pregnancy test the night of Mother’s Day. I put the test in the bathroom and set the timer on my phone. When the 2 minutes was up I walked in by myself and saw the positive sign. I was so excited!! I came out to the living room and told Anthony that he was going to be a father. We were thrilled!
From the moment I knew I was pregnant, I started researching my options for the birth. My mom had had two natural, unmedicated hospital births and so had my sister. Very early on I decided that I wanted to have a natural, unmedicated birth as well. I didn’t want any interventions if everything went smoothly. We were planning a hospital birth in NYC with an OBGYN. I relayed our wishes for a natural birth to our doctor. She said she was supportive, but there were certain protocols that we couldn’t avoid, such as an IV and a constant fetal monitor. We were told that I wouldn’t be able to move around much during labor due to the monitor and IV and that I should labor at home until I couldn’t take it anymore. I was ok with all these caveats at the time.
At the beginning of my second trimester, I began looking into childbirth classes. Since I wanted an unmedicated birth, I focused my search on the Bradley Method. Through a Google search I found an 8 week class on the Upper West Side offered by Tanya Wills and Amy Goldstein of Manhattan Birth. The reviews were great and I mainly chose it because of the proximity to us.
I was around 27 weeks along when we started the classes. The first class everyone had to go around and say how far along they were, the sex if they knew, and where they were planning to deliver. Most people were at hospitals, some at a birth center, and one couple was planning a home birth. When it came to us, we gave our details…27 weeks, a girl!!, and the hospital name. And then Anthony exclaims, “Go hospitals!!!,” and pumps his hand in the air. Everyone laughed and he still hasn’t lived that one down…for reasons you’ll soon see. Anthony was pretty funny during the classes…very squeamish. He made a lot of faces, noises, and comments…but he learned a lot, as did I. And as I learned more and more about the birth process through the Bradley class, I formulated more questions to ask my doctor. The more questions I asked, the less comfortable I felt about giving birth at this hospital. At this time, I was already in my 3rd trimester, so changing care providers seemed like a daunting task and I felt that it was too late in the game. However, our childbirth instructor, Tanya, told us stories of people changing their birth plans late in pregnancy and she encouraged me to choose the environment that we felt comfortable with and the provider that we trusted. Through tears, I confided in Tanya about my misgivings with my doctor and she reassured me that at 30 weeks, it wasn’t too late to make a change. She guided me through the process of switching providers with recommendations of midwives. I knew I wanted to work with a midwife, but I got stuck when I had to decide between a hospital birth and a home birth. Deep down I knew I wanted a home birth, but it felt scary to make that decision. It was a very confusing and emotional time and I would come to class and talk to Tanya about my thoughts. We also talked to another couple in the class that was planning a home birth, which was extremely helpful. We then interviewed several midwives that worked in both hospitals and home settings. In the end, we committed to a home birth and made the switch at 33 weeks…at which point we moved all of my prenatal care to our new midwife, Tania Zirulnik. I felt very at ease with her. We were lucky that she had an opening, as one of her client’s had delivered quite early. Once I made the decision, I felt so relieved!! At this time I also hired our childbirth instructor, Tanya Wills, as our doula. I was so happy with the birth team I had assembled!
Walking the hills in our neighborhood at 41 weeks pregnant…and contemplating becoming parents.
The last few weeks of my pregnancy went by and we were anxiously awaiting our little girl’s arrival. I had been having Braxton Hicks contractions that I kept thinking was early labor since I hit 38 weeks. They would form a rhythm and we would think it might be the real thing. However, every time the contractions would eventually get further apart and disappear entirely. My due date was January 27th, 2014. That Monday came and went with no signs that she was ready to make her debut. Several more days went by and on Thursday, we decided to invite my parents up to NYC to wait it out with us. We thought she’d surely be here within a few days. They had planned to fly up the moment I told them I was in labor. So instead, they could get here without being in a panic. They got into town the next day. On Saturday, February 1st, I started having contractions again that morning. They were not uncomfortable, but pretty consistent. I tried to not get too excited, although I was hoping this time it was the real thing. We carried on with our day and that afternoon the whole family took a walk. We walked the big hills in our neighborhood still hoping that more activity would get my labor really moving. However, the contractions slowed down again. My mom and I decided to get a manicure to pamper ourselves a little bit. By the time the manicure was over, the contractions were gone. I was disappointed because I was so ready to meet my daughter.
The next day passed by without any events. On Monday, when I was a week overdue I had a biophysical profile ultrasound. They checked on her breathing, heart rate and movement, as well as the volume of amniotic fluid. They wanted to make sure she was doing well and that I could continue on without being induced. We passed all the tests with flying colors!! So Anthony and I went home in a snowstorm and continued the waiting game.
On Monday night, February 3rd, we were all hanging out. We had dinner in the apartment with my parents. I was laying on the couch watching tv when I felt a pop in my belly. It was a really strange sensation and something I’d never felt before. I laid there and started googling “felt pop in belly during pregnancy” and all other versions of this I could think of. Some forums said this happens when your water breaks, but I hadn’t felt that yet. So I sat on a big exercise ball and gently bounced on it…and then I felt the gush of fluid! I ran to the bathroom excitedly telling everyone that my water just broke!! Anthony followed me to the bathroom.
My water broke!! We’re so excited!! This is the real thing!!
This was finally the first sign that we were going to meet our girl soon. I called my midwife and doula to tell them. They both told me to go to bed and try to sleep. My labor could start any time and it was best if I was rested. My midwife also told me that it was totally normal if my labor didn’t start immediately…and if it didn’t start during the night she’d come over in the morning. While I was on the phone, my parents and Anthony were frantically cleaning up the apartment and moving furniture around. But everyone calmed down and soon we got in bed and tried to sleep. I had a few contractions as I was laying down, but they weren’t painful and I was able to fall asleep. I was expecting to wake up in the middle of the night in full-on labor. My little girl decided to take her time though and we ended up getting a full night’s sleep. I woke up around 7 the next morning to use the bathroom and hoped this was the day I would see my daughter for the first time!! However, things were a little strange in the apartment…and when I made my way to the bathroom it was freezing. Our heat was electric and I noticed the towel warmer was off…and the lights weren’t turning on. So I tried other switches in the apartment and nothing turned on. That is when I started panicking…we had no electricity and we were having a planned home birth which was imminent since my water had already broke. I calmly got back into bed. I didn’t have the heart to wake Anthony and tell him because I knew he would go into crisis mode. So I let him continue to sleep in peace while I just stared at the ceiling willing the green light to illuminate on the smoke alarm. Soon Anthony woke up and I broke the bad news. He raced out of bed and started calling the super, Luis. When Luis didn’t answer he ran downstairs to find him. Luis was not optimistic about the electric turning back on soon. It was not just our building that was affected, but several blocks. Con Ed was already working on it, but with all the water from the snowstorms we had been having it was a big job to fix. Luis told him to get me out of the building!
Anthony and I were distraught. Our plans for a home birth seemed to be falling apart. How could I have a baby in an apartment with no electricity and no heat in the middle of winter? The only thing we had was hot water. It was still morning though and the apartment was full of light. My midwife arrived a few hours later. She didn’t skip a beat. She stayed positive and assured us that we could still have a home birth. We had hot water and that was important. She told us to buy lots of candles and it’d be a very romantic setting. She encouraged me to go to acupuncture that day to try to get the labor started. Since my water had broken already, I knew I was on a clock. If labor didn’t start at a certain point I would need to be induced, which was a stressful thought. But Tania told us that she was comfortable waiting for my body to respond…and her words were comforting because I was trying to avoid induction.
We felt good when Tania left. We were still on track with our plans. Anthony went out to buy supplies…food, drinks, candles, batteries, flashlights. He came back with a ton of things, just in case. While he was out he saw many people from the neighborhood, who were all telling him that we’re crazy and that he needs to take me to the hospital. His dad also called (knowing that my water broke, but not that we had no electricity) and told him that he needs to get me to a hospital. So when he returned, we were again uneasy about the plan. He suggested that we pack a bag of stuff in case we decided to leave or go stay with my parents at the hotel. But we didn’t at the time and I focused on getting an acupuncture appointment. Anthony wasn’t thrilled about me going to acupuncture because he didn’t want my labor to get started if we didn’t have electricity…but I also knew it would be best if my labor started sooner rather than later since my water had already broken. I found an acupuncturist on the Upper West Side who was recommended to induce labor. He was able to see me that afternoon, so Anthony walked me to a cab. He was going to stay back to get the apartment ready. On our way to the cab we ran into the super, who was feeling more optimistic. He thought the power would be back on soon.
I had a few harder contractions in the bumpy cab ride, but again nothing consistent. The acupuncture session was relaxing. I tried to let all the stress melt away. I did have a few bigger contractions during the session and the acupuncturist told me he thought it was early labor.
On the cab ride home I was having more contractions, but they were still very bearable. I called my mom since I hadn’t talked to her much that day. Of course, she was very worried. She said we could come to the hotel. She checked and there was a room available…they would even let us bring Roxie (our puppy). I called Anthony to tell him I was on my way home. He told me it was starting to get dark in the apartment. I mentioned that we could go wait it out at the hotel…that there was a room we could book. I didn’t want to give birth at the hotel, but since things hadn’t really kicked off yet I was open to it. He seemed annoyed at that suggestion and we hung up. I made it home and found Luis at the front door. The optimism he had expressed earlier in the day had vanished. Now he didn’t think the power would come back on that night. It was pitch black in the building hallways and terribly eery. I used my iPhone flashlight to make it up the stairs safely.
When I got back in our apartment, the vibe had changed. It was getting darker and colder every minute and I felt really stressed. Anthony was, in fact, annoyed that I had suggested we go to my parent’s hotel…partly because he had said this earlier in the day when it was light out and we could see what we were packing…and partly because he felt that we were running to my parents to save us and that it meant we couldn’t do it on our own. It was a heated moment. Neither of us knew what the right move was. Do we stay in our dark and cold apartment? Do we go to the hotel to wait it out? Do we abandon our plans and go to the hospital? Anthony and I weren’t on the same page. We were fighting and it was tense and stressful. We called our midwife. She reassured us again on the phone that we could do it at home. But this time, we weren’t so sure. Tania told us that she would support whatever decision we made. She wanted me to know that if we went to the hospital, I would surely be induced since it had been nearly 24 hours since my water broke. Sitting in a cold and dark apartment when you’re about to have a baby is a scary thing. We had no idea what to do. We texted our doula, Tanya, but she was in class for midwifery school and told us she’d call very shortly. Still we hadn’t come to any conclusions and we couldn’t see eye to eye. Anthony decided to get out to clear his head. My phone was dying so he was going to take it somewhere to charge and he was going to get me food. We both needed a moment. I curled up in bed under the covers with Roxie next to me. I grabbed a gossip magazine that Anthony had bought for me and a flashlight and tried to relax. I was upset because I didn’t want to fight with Anthony about the most important moment of our lives. We had been on the same page the whole pregnancy, but this moment was stressful and tense and so I felt unsettled. We both wanted to make the best decision for the baby and for me and we were so conflicted.
When Anthony came back, he was calmer. He brought me food and I started eating in the dark. We again started talking about what we should do, but once more it started spiraling into an argument so Anthony left the room and let me finish my dinner. After all, fueling up was so important since I knew I was in for the hardest physical experience of my life. Not long after, he returned to the room. I could tell that something had shifted in him. He looked at me with a sense of resolve and determination and he said, “Do you want to be a warrior?”, I emphatically said, “Yes!” He said, “We’re staying, we can do this!” That was all I needed! We hugged and finally both of us were at peace. We were continuing on with the home birth, despite the obstacles that presented themselves. My body started to relax.
At that point, we knew we needed more candles. It was pitch black and the candles Anthony bought earlier in the day were not sufficient. So Anthony ventured out into the night again. The nearest drug store across the street was also affected by the power outage and they were closed, so Anthony walked several blocks away to another store. He found the candle section and grabbed them all…in many varieties of scents…totaling over $200. The cashier looked at him like he was crazy. Meanwhile, things had started to change in my body. After Anthony had left and we had made the decision to stay, my body relaxed and I think my little girl sensed it was time. My stomach felt upset, so I made my way to the bathroom. In our childbirth class, we learned that this is a very classic symptom of labor starting. At that point, Anthony got home and he called for me. I came out of the bathroom and he could tell that something was happening. This was about 10pm. Now my contractions started having a higher intensity to them (nothing too bad though) and they started to develop a rhythm. Anthony started running around lighting candles and placing them all over our apartment. It was a very romantic ambience…not that I cared though as my contractions started to get stronger. Soon I needed to take deep breaths with each contraction. We began to time the contractions and we discovered that they were pretty consistent at about 3 minutes apart. I was surprised they were so close together because I was expecting early labor to be more like 10 minutes apart. I couldn’t find a comfortable position to sit during each contraction. I tried sitting on the couch, but it felt too low. Anthony brought me the birthing ball, but again I wanted to be higher up. Anthony then suggested one of our bar stools, which was much better. We called our doula and told her that my contractions were 3 minutes apart and they were more intense. I knew that this was the real thing this time. She listened to how I sounded during one of the contractions. She knew things had just started. She encouraged Anthony that he knew what to do, although now that it wasn’t a dress rehearsal anymore and with the circumstances of us not having power, he felt more panicked. She said that she’d be over as soon as we needed her. We agreed that we were still ok without her support at that time. She said to call if anything changed. We then called our midwife. She thought the contractions were pretty close together and she suggested getting in the shower and sitting on the birthing ball. She thought this would feel good for me and also maybe slow the contractions down. She said after that I should lay in bed on my left side because we had concerns that the baby was posterior, which would result in back labor. She also told us to call if anything changed. I continued to sit on the stool as the contractions continued. They were constantly getting stronger. Anthony ran to get the bathroom lit with candles. As he was going down the hall, I heard an electronic sound. I looked around to see what it was and realized that the dishwasher had come back to life! I yelled to Anthony to check the lights because it seemed like the electric was back! The lights didn’t turn on automatically because we never turned them to the on position in the morning since the electric was already out when we woke up. He tried the bathroom lights and they came on!!! It felt like a miracle. Everything was back and it was 11pm. We had thought for sure that it wouldn’t come on until the morning. We were so excited. But at that point, things started really kicking off. The joy I felt from the functioning electricity quickly was replaced with concentration as another contraction started. Anthony walked me to the bathroom and I got in the shower. The birthing ball seemed a little low in air, so he ran to get the pump and he feverishly pumped up the ball so I could use it. He then wedged it into the tub and I sat down letting the water run all over me. Each contraction was getting stronger and I was starting to moan more. I also stopped communicating with Anthony around this time. I just needed my full concentration on the pain. That was the only way I felt I could get through it. Finally, I decided that I needed to lay down, so Anthony helped me out of the shower and into my robe. The pain was getting so great that I didn’t even brush my hair. (I say that because I had big ideas of looking good for the birth. I thought I would do my hair and makeup during early labor and look half way decent for pictures…but that idea didn’t even enter my mind when I was in the throes of labor. There was only one thought and that was to get through the pain of each contraction.) Before we left the bathroom I had Anthony help me put Depends on. (I had these because I was told they were more convenient for after the birth.) He didn’t think it was necessary, but I had been leaking amniotic fluid all day and felt that I’d be more comfortable. He then helped me to the bedroom where I layed on my left side…and I stayed in that position for a few hours. The shower didn’t slow the contractions at all. They were speeding up to the point where there was no break in between. With my right hand I contorted my arm and squeezed the headboard and Anthony kneeled by me and held my left hand. Little Roxie curled up at my feet. She knew something was going on and just stayed with me, but also knew to keep her distance. I did not talk at all, but only concentrated and moaned. I couldn’t expend my energy on anything else. The weird thing was that I knew what was going on around me. I could hear Anthony talk to me, but I wasn’t very responsive. Anthony realized that he needed to start pumping up the birth pool. We didn’t have it inflated yet because it had an electric pump. Anthony told me that he was going to pump it up and he would close the bedroom door because it would be loud. He ran around frantically getting the pool ready. He would take a break and run back into the room to be with me during some contractions and then run back out to continue inflating the pool. I think he ran a full marathon that night. He never stopped.
Soon after, I felt the end of the contractions changing. I was having the urge to push. We had been told about this during our childbirth class…that your body will tell you when it’s time to push. This happened several times and then I realized that it was just that. I finally spoke up and told Anthony that I was pushing. He was in a bit of a panic and asked me what he should do. I told him to call somebody. He called our doula immediately, which was around midnight. He told her what was going on and she said she’d be right there. He told me Tanya was coming and he stayed by my side as the contractions continued. It felt like a long time for Tanya to arrive because another winter storm had begun. At this point in the night, the snow started falling pretty heavily…so it was much more difficult for my team to travel to us. Tanya arrived around 1am. Anthony told me he was leaving the apartment to quickly let her in the front door and he’d be right back. He ran downstairs and told Tanya to follow him. Although the power was back on he didn’t want to risk taking the elevator in case it were to get stuck, which was not unheard of. They ran up the stairs and Tanya came in the room to check on me. She saw right away that I was far along. She asked me if I was hot or cold and I told her hot. She then asked me if I wanted her to check me and I said yes. She tore the Depends I had on, and she saw that it was full of blood…another good sign that my girl was coming soon. She then checked to see how dilated I was. I asked how far I was. She asked if I really wanted to know and I just said I don’t know. And she replied, you know. I figured I was far along and just kept breathing through the contractions. She left the room then to call my midwife. Anthony jokes that Tanya used a code phrase to tell midwife Tania that the baby was coming without trying to panic us. “The eagle has landed. I repeat, the eagle has landed!” I’m not sure what was actually said as I was in the most intense stage of labor! The gist is that Tanya told Tania that it was time to get here. Doula Tanya came back into the room and calmly told me that she was fully prepared to deliver this baby if midwife Tania didn’t make it in time. I really had no fear or anxiety about that. I could only concentrate on the pain. I was just glad that Tanya was there and that Anthony was not going to be delivering our baby on his own!! At this point Tanya started to get everything ready. The pool had not been filled yet, so she and Anthony started that process. I could hear them trying to find the pool liner and my birth kit. In the excitement, Anthony forgot where everything was…all together in a drawer in the nursery. (Why I didn’t get it all out during the day, I have no idea.) I heard them, but couldn’t chime in to tell them where to look. They found it though. The water was filling the pool pretty slowly and Tanya wasn’t sure if there’d be enough time for me to get in. But they kept going since we couldn’t know for sure how quickly she’d arrive. After an hour of Tanya being there, they felt that there was enough water in the pool for me to get in. Anthony helped me out of bed. Every change in position brought on another contraction, so I was moving pretty slowly. As I was getting into the water, Tania arrived. This was around 2am. The water felt really nice and was a welcome change, but the contractions never stopped. Now that everyone was there and I was in the water, I started to actively push. I started leaning back against the side of the pool, but I was having some back labor.
Active pushing and pure concentration in the birthing pool.
Eventually I moved onto my knees with my forehead against the pool. Anthony was right in front of me, encouraging me, holding my hand, offering me Gatorade. (For some reason, the Gatorade was so watered down and tasted terrible, but I couldn’t be bothered to tell them.) This went on for awhile, but the baby wasn’t moving down very fast. Tania checked her heart rate often and she was so strong. She then suggested that I try another position. She wanted me to stand and rock back and forth in between contractions, and when the contraction started Anthony would hold my forearms and I would squat and lean back and push. It sounded like a horrible idea, to be honest. I didn’t know how I was going to stand and do this. But then she added, you can continue what you’re doing but it could take awhile…or you can try this and have your baby now. All I knew was that I didn’t want to continue with the contractions so I mustered all my strength and started to stand up out of the water while Anthony supported me. He couldn’t believe I was doing it. He jokes that it was like Rocky down on the mat and in slow motion he stands up because he’s not done fighting. I arose from the water ready to push my girl out! This move wasn’t easy. I squeezed Anthony’s arms so tight as I squatted and pushed. Stand up and rock…squat and push…stand up and rock…squat and push.
Top: Stand and rock | Bottom: Squat and push…My contorted face and crazy hair says it all…and check out little Roxie’s head peeking out on the couch.
I did this through about 5 contractions, and it was exhausting. I had already been pushing for about 2 hours. I started to wonder how much strength I had left. When it was time to stand after the 5th round, I said I needed a break. I leaned back and continued pushing from that position. The standing and squatting exercise worked though. She started crowning and they told me to reach down…that I could feel her head. I did and there her little head was, which gave me more motivation to keep going. I pushed more and each time her head came out further. This was the scary part for me because I knew it would hurt as her head came out fully. Tania said to me, if you push through this pain you’ll be on the other side. I knew I had to get through this temporary pain and she’d be in my arms. So I pushed again and her head was out completely. I didn’t want to wait for the next contraction so I asked Tania if I could push her body out right then and of course, she said yes. I pushed one more time and Olivia Gwen was born into the water at 4:31 am. Tania caught her and put her in my arms. She was beautiful and peaceful. She didn’t even cry right away…but then we heard that tiny, sweet cry. She was perfect, weighing in at 8lbs 11oz and 21″ long. Anthony cried tears of joy. I stared at her beautiful face and felt a sense of love and relief. We did it! It was such an empowering experience. What an epic way to enter the world, my darling girl! I looked into her big blue eyes and felt so grateful…and was filled with excitement for all the adventures to come.
We did it! Pure relief and a release of so many emotions!
The hardest work I’ve ever done and, by far, the sweetest reward!
My darling Olivia!!
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