No longer by our side, but forever in our hearts

It’s been an incredibly rough month for our little family. We had to say goodbye to our beloved Roxie one month ago today. We are absolutely heartbroken. She was a huge part of our family and the void she leaves can never be filled.

She was diagnosed with cancer about a month and a half ago. One day she was fine and the next she seemed a little sick, but it wasn’t just a little…she had a very advanced and aggressive cancer that was already in her lymph nodes, blood, and liver. We were hopeful that we could treat it and started chemo immediately. We ordered tests that would pinpoint exactly what kind of cancer she had…it was either Stage V Lymphoma or Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. We were hoping that it was Lymphoma, as it has a longer prognosis…the average being a year to a year and a half. A Leukemia diagnosis is very grave, since it is usually even more aggressive and harder to treat. She had ultrasounds to see how far it had progressed. At that time, we discovered she had fluid in her chest as well, but it wasn’t enough to drain at that time. So we started the first round of chemo and a prednisone protocol while we waited for the test results.

Only a day later though, her breathing started to become very labored and we had to rush her back to the hospital where they drained her lungs of the fluid that was building up. It was extremely scary and heartbreaking to watch our darling pup go through this. I would lay on the couch staring at her belly, counting how many breaths she took in a minute…not knowing what to do. We wanted to make sure she was comfortable and not in distress, but we also knew that she hated being in the hospital, being poked and prodded. The hospital made her very stressed and we wanted to keep her calm and with us, so we were trying to limit her time there as much as we could. It was a trying week. Her breathing was better after her lungs were tapped and she seemed stable. I could tell that she wasn’t getting better, but she also didn’t seem worse. So I wasn’t surprised when at our next chemotherapy appointment I was told that the cancer hadn’t responded to the first round.

We also found out at that time, that the lab that was supposed to process her blood sample and give us an accurate diagnosis of her cancer, had an incident where the lab got too hot and all the samples that were sent overnight by our animal hospital were not viable. This was very frustrating to hear. I asked if we could send another sample, the oncologist said we could try again, but that the results might not be conclusive because we had already started her treatment. (The original blood sample was taken before her first round of chemo.) However, she thought it was worth a try because the chemo had not eradicated the cancer so it was possible that we could get an answer. She assured us that not knowing this information would not affect her treatment. The 2 diseases are treated very similarly. So we started a new chemotherapy drug and hoped Roxie would have a better response. She also had to have her lungs tapped again as fluid was still building up in her chest. Our poor baby!

We brought her home after a day in the hospital and the little girl was very tired…which we weren’t surprised about given all the procedures she had gone through. The next day she was extremely lethargic and I was very worried. I called the oncologist again and they told us to hang in there…that it could be a side effect of the chemo. She was still eating and walking around, but her energy level was so low. But then the following day, which was a Saturday, she got some energy back. I felt hopeful. She was following me around from room to room. She walked around with her perfect little prance. I showed her the harness we use when she takes a walk…and she ran over to me, excited to go outside. She hadn’t done that in a few days, so I was so happy to see her excitement. I brought her outside with Olivia and I. She walked for a few blocks, but then started to slow down…so I held her the rest of the way. Luckily our neighborhood knew what a well-behaved dog she was, and our local bakery and Starbucks allowed us to bring her inside. My hands were quite full, but we managed to get some food and mommy’s latte. And then Roxie seemed ready to walk again…and she walked the whole way home. She got in the apartment and ran over to her daddy. I was so happy. I thought this was the turning point.

The rest of that day and the following day proceeded the same way. She had energy, she was excited…so we brought her everywhere with us. She walked a little, but we carried her mostly and let her ride in Olivia’s stroller, while Olivia walked and played. It was a beautiful weekend and one that now I am so grateful for. We were all together the entire weekend and since she seemed to be doing better, I let all the fears go for those few days and really enjoyed her. I felt really present and appreciated every moment with her.

But, unfortunately, it didn’t last. Monday rolled around and I had to visit clients. She seemed the same when I left, so I wasn’t worried. When I got home at the end of the day, however, I could tell something had changed. She didn’t greet me at the door.  She was walking around gingerly and her breathing seemed to be labored again.  And as the day and night wore on, it got progressively worse. She didn’t want to cuddle or lay next to me. The way she was walking told me she was in pain. At one point, she laid on the hardwood floor with wide eyes, just staring. She started hiding under the couch and the bed…and even nipped at us when we tried to pull her out. This wasn’t our Roxie, this was a puppy that was suffering. It was awful. We called the hospital that night. The ER doctor suggested we bring her in that evening, but we knew that wasn’t the best plan. We wanted her home with us. We ended up giving her some pain medication and made an appointment with the oncologist in the morning in Brooklyn.

I took her in to see the doctor the next morning not knowing that this would be the day we had to say goodbye. Had I known, I don’t think I would have been able to leave the apartment with her. I did make sure that she gave Olivia kisses before we left. Olivia told her “Amo” (her way of saying I love you.)…and she gave her a hug and said, “Aww baby,” which is what she says with all her hugs. I placed Roxie in one of Olivia’s slings and we made the journey to Brooklyn. Anthony met me there and we waited to see the doctor. She confirmed that the lymph nodes were larger and that there was more fluid on her chest. We could tap her chest and start a different chemo drug, but she also felt that now her quality of life was being affected…which we agreed. She also told us that in her experience, this type of cancer can be even more aggressive in younger dogs…and when a dog does not respond immediately to the steroids and chemo, it’s generally not a good sign. Of course, the decision was ours to make at that point, so she left the room and let us talk.  It was truly one of the hardest decisions we’ve ever had to make. All we wanted was more time with her…but not like that. So after a long discussion we decided it was time to say goodbye. We spent the next few hours cuddling her and telling her how much we loved her. Then we started telling stories about her…we laughed, we cried, we were angry that any of it happened. We went through a huge range of emotions. We just loved that little dog with all of our hearts…and our hearts were broken. Her final moments were very peaceful. She kissed us and even the doctor. She laid in my lap and we just told her how much we loved her. We were extremely emotional. It’s hard to even write about it now without reliving it and feeling it all.

On that last day, I asked Roxie to give me a sign that she was ok. After we left the hospital, we took the long subway ride home and started to walk back to our apartment. In true NYC fashion, there was an open fire hydrant about 2 blocks away from our building. The spraying water created a beautiful rainbow. We walked past it and then I told Anthony that I wanted to go back. I ran back and started taking pictures and the rainbow grew brighter and brighter. In my heart, I knew Roxie sent me this sign. I took comfort from it, even if it was only a moment.

A little over a week after Roxie’s passing, I called the oncologist to see if she received conclusive results about her cancer. For some reason, it was still important for me to know. She did have the results and they were able to pinpoint it. It was Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. I had a feeling this was the case, since she had spiraled downward so quickly and the chemo had no affect on her. Although I knew we had made the right decision for Roxie, hearing the result also confirmed that for me. It brought up all the emotion again, but I also felt some sense of peace knowing that we had done everything that we could for her.

Adjusting to life after Roxie has been tough. We are reminded of her constantly. Olivia still asks for her. (She actually started saying Roxie’s name the week we received the diagnosis.) I want Olivia to remember Roxie, but I’m glad she’s young enough and doesn’t understand what has happened. I keep asking Roxie for signs and I have more stories of strange happenings that I believe she is sending to us.But I don’t want to just focus on the end. I also want to take a moment to pay tribute to our beautiful Roxie and her wonderful life. We loved that little dog so much. She was our baby and we took her everywhere we possibly could. This dog was pure love. She was a beautiful soul, a complex little personality. We are so grateful that we got to be her family. We always say we won the doggie jackpot when we rescued her. To us, she was perfection. Four years of pure joy with our sweet girl. Words can’t describe how much we miss her now. I just wish we had more time with her…and I can only hope that she’s watching over us somewhere. Rest in peace, my darling Roxie.